Sunday, 31 March 2013

Easter Jokes – Page 2

Q: Why did a fellow rabbit say that the Easter Bunny was self-centred?
A: Because he is eggocentric.

Q: How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?
A: With a hare brush!

Q: Where does Valentine’s Day comes after Easter?
A: In the dictionary.

Q: What do you call a bunny with a large brain?
A: An egghead.

Q: What does a rooster say to a hen he likes?
A: Your one hot chick!

Q: What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
A: Join the Hare Force.

Q: What did the grey rabbit say to the blue rabbit?
A: Cheer up!

Q: Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into your mouth?
A: Because it doesn’t taste as good if I stuff it in my ears.

Q: Why did you drive the lawn mower over your Easter basket?
A: I thought the plastic grass was growing too high!

Q: Why was the monster sitting in his Easter basket?
A: He was trying to hatch his peanut butter eggs!

Q: Why did the Easter egg hide?
A: He was a little chicken!

Q: What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A: A funny bunny!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny travel?
A: By hare plane!

Q: What do you call a dumb bunny?
A: A hare brain!

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
A: Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

Q: Why can’t a rabbit’s nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: How do you make a rabbit stew?
A: Make it wait for three hours!

Q: Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry?
A: Because it’s always on a sundae!

Q: How come the Easter bunny is going green?
A: Lower taxes!

Q: What do you call an Easter egg you have dropped on the floor?
A: Crackers!

Q: Why did the Easter bunny shave off his fur?
A: Global warming!

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Funny Quotes – Page 11

I'm hoping to find a cure for my hiccups, but I'm not holding my breath.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

Once we had Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot".

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Friday, 29 March 2013

Easter Jokes – Page 1

Q: Why was the Easter rabbit rubbing his head?
A: Because he had a eggache!

Q: Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
A: Because it has four rabbit’s feet!

Q: Why did the Easter rabbit cross the road?
A: Because it was the chicken’s day off.

Q: Did you about the Easter Bunny that sat on an ice-cream cone?
A: It’s a long cold tail!

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny study karate?
A: To crack eggs!

Q: Where does Christmas come before Easter?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: Why did the bunny go to the dance?
A: To do the bunny hop!

Q: What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A: A chance to make another one.

Q: How does the Easter bunny stay healthy?
A: Eggercise.

Q: What do you call Easter when you are hopping around?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: What do you get when you find a Easter rabbit with no hair?
A: A hairless hare!

Q: How does the Easter Bunny say Happy Easter?
A: Hoppy Easter!

Q: How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself?
A: With a hare-dryer!

Q: Do you know how the Easter bunny stays in shape?
A: Hareobics.

Q: What do you call 13 rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.

Q: Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want the other cute bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.

Q: How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
A: Only one – after that it’s not empty any more!

Q: Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?
A: It might crack up!

Q: What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
A: The Easter Bunana!

Q: How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?
A: He said it was eggs-cellent!

Q: What kinds of books do bunnies like?
A: Ones with hoppy endings!

Q: What do you call cute little rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade?
A: Hot, cross bunnies.

Q: What do you call the Easter bunny with a dictionary in his pants?
A: A smarty pants.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Knock Knock Jokes – Page 2

Knock knock 
Who's there? 
Boo who? 
There’s no need to cry, it's only a joke!

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Annie who?
Annie body home?

Knock knock 
Who's there?
Isabelle who? 
Isabelle necessary on a bike?

Knock knock 
Who's there? 
Little old lady 
Little old lady who? 
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

Knock Knock 
Who's there?
Wooden Shoe.
Wooden Shoe who?
Wooden Shoe like to hear another joke?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Don Juan!
Don Juan who?
Don Juan to go to school today!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Button who?
Button in is not polite!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam who?
Adam if I do and Adam if I don't!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Wind people up in the office. – Page 2

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbour’s keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the office wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to your supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Run into the office, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Stare at the person's next to your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing; grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Strange US Laws – Page 2

In New York, it is against the law for a blind person to drive an automobile.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street.

In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight.

In Ohio, one must have a license to keep a bear.

In Oklahoma, no baseball team can hit the ball over the fence or out of a ballpark.

In Philadelphia, you can't put pretzels in bags based on an Act of 1760.

In Phoenix, Arizona, you can't walk through a hotel lobby with spurs on.

In Providence, Rhode Island, it is against the law to jump off a bridge.

In San Francisco, there is an ordinance, which bans the picking up and throwing of used confetti.

In Singapore, it is illegal to chew gum.

In Tennessee, a law exists which prohibits the sale of bologna (sandwich meat) on Sunday.

In Tennessee, it is against the law to drive a car while sleeping.

In Texas, it is still a "hanging offense" to steal cattle.

In Texas, it's against the law for anyone to have a pair of pliers in his or her possession.

In the State of Kansas, you're not allowed to drive a buffalo through a street.

In Utah, birds have the right of way on any public highway.

In Utah, daylight must be visible between dancing couples.

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In Virginia, the Code of 1930 has a statute which prohibits corrupt practices or bribery by any person other than political candidates.

In West Virginia, one can't cook sauerkraut or cabbage due to the odours and the offence is subject to imprisonment.

In West Virginia, only babies can ride in a baby carriage.

It is against the law in Connecticut for a man to write love letters to a girl whose mother or father has forbidden the relationship.

It is against the law to mispronounce the name of the State of Arkansas in that State.

The law states that more than 3000 sheep cannot be herded down Hollywood Blvd. at any one time.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Things not to say to police - Page 3

When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

Try to sell him your car.

Ask if you can buy his car.

If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

Play with the siren.

If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

Turn your head and whistle.

When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

Tell him you like men in uniform.

Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

Sunday, 24 March 2013

Puns - Page 9

I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.

Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

If I am afraid of losing my fat tissue. My psychiatrist told me I have an adipose complex.

The man had grounds for complaint after his wife had a harrowing time with a rake at a garden party.

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.

I didn't understand the math, so the teacher summed it up for me.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

If you invite an insomniac to your pyjama party they will be up for it.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I quit gymnastics because I was tired of hanging around the bars.

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

His lofty eye deal was to provide free contact lenses for Giraffes.

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Funny Quotes – Page 10

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the Sahara Desert.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Lord save me from your followers.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Jesus is coming, so look busy.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Me and my recliner - we go WAY back.

If you really love someone, throw the ball and say "Fetch!"

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Friday, 22 March 2013

Walks into a bar – Page 2

A man walks into a bar owned by horses. The bartender says, "Why the short face?"

A man walks into a bar and sees a cow serving behind the counter. ‘What are you staring at?’ says the cow. ‘Never seen a cow serving drinks before?’ ‘It’s not that,’ replies the man. ‘I just never thought the moose would sell this place.’

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then discovers he has to go to the bathroom. To stop anyone stealing his drink he puts a note on it saying, ‘I spat in this beer.’ When he returns he finds another note saying, ‘So did I!’

A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "single?". The man says "no, I’m happily married, but curious"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bar man says "neat?". The man replies "well as tidy as you can make it"

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church. The priest says "Higgs-Bosons aren't allowed in here." The Higgs-Boson says, "But without me, how can you have mass?" 

A group of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type in here.’

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and says, ‘Did you know there’s a drink named after you?’ ‘Really?’ says the grasshopper. ‘There’s a drink called Jeremy?’

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?" 

A golf club walks into a bar and asks for a whisky. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why?" asks the golf club. And the barman says, "Because I know you"re going to be driving later!"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water." 

A giraffe walks into a bar. "Sorry", said the barman, "We don't serve Heineken here."

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head. ‘What the hell is that?’ asks the barman. The toad replies, ‘I don’t know – it started as a wart on my ass and grew.’

A drunk walks into a bar pulling a huge anchor chain. The bartender says, "What are you doing, dragging that huge chain into my bar?" The drunk says, "Did you ever try pushing one?"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking' fer the man that shot my paw."

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."

A brain walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're out of your skull!" 

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!"

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’

A baseball walks into a bar, and the bartender throws him out.

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work

‘I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?” I said, “Surprise me.” He showed me a naked picture of my wife.’ 

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Sarcastic Quotes – Page 3

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

I can do only one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

My mechanic told me, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.

The 100% American is 99% idiot.

Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Wind people up in the office. – Page 1

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to IT Tech that you can't get the damn thing to work. After they turn it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in work, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret government files.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the office, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Oh please oh please oh please oh please," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

Start making out with the person at the desk next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever saving large files.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the CD drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

True Facts - Page 2

In September 2004, a Minnesota state trooper issued a speeding ticket to a motorcyclist who was clocked at 205 mph.

The spring thaw finally allows cemeteries in Alaska to start digging graves for those who died during the winter.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defence attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

As of January 1, 2004, the population of the United States increases by one person every 12 seconds.

There is a birth every eight seconds, an immigrant is added every 25 seconds, but a death every 13 seconds.

The fertility rate in states that voted for George Bush is 12% higher than states that favoured John Kerry.

When Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen turned 18 in mid-2004, they took official control of a company worth more than the gross national product of Mongolia. Their earnings in 2003 topped $1 billion.

Microsoft threatened 17 year old Mike Rowe with a lawsuit after the young man launched a website named

A deployed air bag adds as much as $2,000 to the cost of repairing a vehicle. That's enough for insurance companies to often declare the car "totalled".

If the entire population of earth was reduced to exactly 100 people, 51% would be female, 49% male; 50% of the world's currency would be held by 6 people, one person would be nearly dead, one nearly born.

Legislators in Santa Fe, New Mexico, are considering a law that would require pets to wear seat belts when travelling in a car.

George W. Bush and John Kerry are 16th cousins, three times removed.

In 2002, women earned 742,000 bachelor's degrees. Men earned only 550,000 during the same year. The difference is growing so large that many colleges now practice (quietly) affirmative action for male applicants.

Amusement park attendance goes up after a fatal accident. It seems many people want to ride upon the same ride that killed someone.

Only 30% of stolen artwork worth more than $1,000,000 each is recovered.

The average child recognizes over 200 company logos by the time he enters first grade.

During Bill Clinton's entire eight year presidency, he only sent two e-mails. One was to John Glenn when he was aboard the space shuttle, and the other was a test of the e-mail system.

If you hook Jell-O up to an EEG, it registers movements almost identical to a human adult's brain waves.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

A Dutch court ruled that a bank robber could deduct the 2,000 Euros he paid for his pistol from the 6,600 Euros he has to return to the bank he robbed.

60% of all US potato products originate in Idaho.

If the Nile River were stretched across the United States, it would run nearly from New York to Los Angeles.

Russian scientists have developed a new drug that prolongs drunkenness and enhances intoxication.

For the first time in history, the number of people on the planet aged 60 or over will soon surpass those under 5.

One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed.

61,000 people are airborne over the US at any given time.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

Almost 20% of the billions of dollars American taxpayers are spending to rebuild Iraq are lost to theft, kickbacks and corruption.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.

The New York Jets were unable to find hotel rooms for a game in Indianapolis recently because they had all been booked up by people attending Gencon, a gaming convention.

Monday, 18 March 2013

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 4

Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia
try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.

Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind?
here, try this kite

Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers
don't worry, what you have is not catching

Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing
We'll soon put a stop to that

Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . .
next please

Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis
You've got a cute little dimple too

Doctor, doctor, what's the quickest way to get to hospital?
lie in the road outside

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live
just wait a minute will you . . .

Doctor doctor, I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true?
Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?