Tuesday, 30 April 2013

True Facts – Page 5

George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

There are no venomous snakes in Maine.

The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer than the Wright Brothers' first flight.

Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher; it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish.

Illinois has the most personalised license plates of any state.

Percentage of women who say they are happier: 85

A Costa Rican worker who makes baseballs earns about $2,750 annually. The average American pro baseball player earns $2,377,000 per year.

If you disassembled the Great Pyramid of Cheops, you would get enough stones to encircle the earth with a brick wall twenty inches high.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The province of Alberta, Canada is completely free of rats.

Jim Carrey voted in 2004 at the Beverly Hills City Hall. He had an assistant wait in line for him, however.

Most of the deck chairs on the Queen Mary 2 have had to be replaced because overweight Americans were breaking them.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.

At General Motors, the cost of health care for employees now exceeds the cost of steel.

The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

The estates of 22 dead celebrities earned over $5 million in 2004. These celebrities include Elvis Presley, Dr. Seuss, Charles Schulz, J.R.R. Tolkien and John Lennon.

Cranberry Jell-O is the only flavor that contains real fruit flavouring.

More people study English in China than speak it in the United States of America (300 million).

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialogue starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialogue 2 by saying "R2D2". George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

The leg bones of a bat are so thin that no bat can walk.

Abraham Lincoln's dog, Fido, was assassinated too.

Monday, 29 April 2013

Funny Quotes – Page 14

All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don't ask outside. I'm constantly bothered by bees.

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

I'd like to leave this world like I came into it; screaming, naked and covered in someone else's blood.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The meek shall inherit the earth - after we're through with it.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Are You a Child of the 70s? – Page 1

You still wonder if Mikey died from a lethal cocktail of Pop Rocks and Coca Cola.

You ever asked to be gagged with a spoon.

You remember when film critics were certain that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.

If male: your first love was Marsha Brady, Jeannine, Samantha from Bewitched, Josie or any one of the Pussycat.

You can remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR... I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...")

You've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: "You know, back when...," "When I was your age...," or "When I was younger..."

You actually remember Mr. Bill.

You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas stocking.

You ever owned a Donnie and Marie or Sonny and Cher poster.

You remember having a rotary phone.

"All skaters, change directions" means something to you.

You remember having to get off the couch to change the TV channel.

You remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.

You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing to do with your college major.

You were not allowed to see The Exorcist, The Omen, or The Blue Lagoon when they came out.

You remember when there was only "G", "PG", and "R".

A predominant colour in your childhood photos is "plaid".

You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are going out of town".

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized packages of Bazooka!

You can recite the Preamble to the Constitution, but only to the tune of Schoolhouse Rock.

You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like the ones Mork used to wear.

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease" soundtrack.

You remember wanting to stay up to see Mr. Bill on Saturday Night Live.

You ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut or used Short and Sassy shampoo.

You know who shot J.R.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

Most of the fillings in your mouth are directly related to Bazooka or Bubble Yum.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 7

Doctor, Doctor - I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome
It's not unusual...

Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...
I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..

Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat
how long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid..

Doctor, Doctor - I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar...
Don't worry, you'll soon change...

Doctor, Doctor - I keep comparing things with something else.
Don't worry, it's only analogy

Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film!
come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory
when did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor doctor I've become a kleptomaniac
have you taken anything for it?
so far a TV, three sofas and a necklace

Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out...
Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor
You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Friday, 26 April 2013

Knock Knock Jokes – Page 5

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep saying all these jokes!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cherry who?
Cherry oh, see you later!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bach who?
Bach of sweets!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iowa who?
Iowa big apology to the owner of that red car!

Knock Knock!
Who's there? 
Myth who? 
Myth you, too!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cassie who?
Cassie the forest for the trees!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alexia who?
Alexia again to open this door!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little kid!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Arfur who?
Arfur got!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Hugo who?
Hugo-ing to let me in, or what?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Armageddon who?
Armageddon getting out of here!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo who?
Are you a owl?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cam who?
Camelot is where King Arthur lived!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Arch who?
You catching a cold?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cook who?
Cuckoo yourself, I don't come here to be insulted!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Carl who?
Carl get you there quicker than if you walk!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack the suitcase!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cecil who?
Cecil have music where ever she goes....!

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Puns – Page 12

The aspiring limbo dancer overcame his fear of crowded bars, becoming a significant underachiever.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink and derive.

Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!

The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.

Partying Saturday and Sunday leaves me feeling weakened.

A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

A noun and a verb were dating but they broke up because the noun was too possessive.

When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

Johnny got his leg cut off in an accident. He's walking it off now.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

With the apocalypse approaching, Armageddon out of here!

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull it off.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

Henry the VIII portrayed the monarchy badly. This gave birth to the concept of the 'royalty-free image'

Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

He avoided funerals because he was not a mourning person.

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Silly Jokes – Page 7

What's the name for a short legged tramp?
A low down bum!

Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
To draw the curtains!

What's the difference between an American student and an English student?
About 3000 miles!

Why is Russia a very fast country?
Because the people are always Russian!

How do you cure a headache?
Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!

What did one virus say to another?
Stay away! I think I've got penicillin!

What happens when plumbers die?
They go down the drain!

Your ugly.
And you're drunk.
Yes, but in the morning I'll be sober!

How do you stop a cold getting to your chest?
Tie a knot in your neck!

What is the fastest thing in water?
A motor pike!

What do you get if you cross a crocodile with a flower?
I don't know, but I'm not going to smell it!

What button won't you find in a tailors shop?
Belly button!

Why didn't the banana snore?
Because it didn't want to wake up the rest of the bunch!

What do you call a man with cow droppings all over his feet?
An incowpoop!

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?

Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
He wanted to find Pluto!

What happened when the wheel was invented?
It caused a revolution!

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Performance Reviews – Time to quit

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

A prime candidate for natural deselection.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Drinking Issues

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; lash self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Inspirational Quotes – Page 1

Well-behaved women seldom make history. 

Maybe everyone can live beyond what they're capable of. 

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned.

Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever. 

Hope is the thing with feathers That perches in the soul And sings the tune without the words And never stops at all. 

The biggest adventure you can ever take is to live the life of your dreams. 

For myself I am an optimist - it does not seem to be much use to be anything else. 

I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel. 

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way. 

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! 

We don't make mistakes, just happy little accidents. 

All thinking men are atheists. 

And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it. 

why are trying so hard to fit in, when you're born to stand out.

In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go? 

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. 

Without music, life would be a mistake. 

He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. 

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.. 

I am not a teacher, but an awaken-er. 

Saturday, 20 April 2013

True Facts - Page 4

The State of Florida is bigger than England.

82% of Americans made a purchase at Wal-Mart in 2002.

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

In February 2004, a Disney World employee was killed when he fell from a parade float and was trapped between two float sections. OSHA termed this a serious workplace violation, but Disney was fined only $6,300.

Actor Bill Murray doesn't have a publicist or an agent.

Motorists travelling outside Salem, Oregon saw one of the "litter cleanup" signs crediting the American Nazi party. Marion County officials had no choice but to let that group into the adopt-a-road program. The $500 per sign was picked up by Oregon taxpayers. The Ku Klux Klan is also involved in the adopt-a-road program in the state of Arkansas.

A Boeing 767 airliner is made of 3,100,000 separate parts.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

There is an average of 18,000,000 items for sale at any time on EBay.

One third of the land in the United States is owned by the government.

Gerald Ford once worked as a cover model for Cosmopolitan magazine.

Between 1942 and 1944, Academy Awards were made of plaster.

Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Look-Alike contest.

Quebec City, Canada, has about as much street crime as Disney World.

The Spanish word exposé means "wife." The plural, exposés, means "wives," but also "handcuffs."

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

Richard Hatch, winner of the first "Survivor" reality series, has been charged with tax evasion for failing to report his $1,000,000 prize.

Romanian fire-fighters could not get their trucks close enough to a burning building, so they put out the fire by throwing snowballs at it.

In 1920, Babe Ruth out-homered every American League team.

There are over 87,000 Americans on waiting lists for organ transplants.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

In 2003, the Transportation Security Administration dropped a requirement that air marshals pass a marksmanship test. Some applicants were even hired after they repeatedly shot flight attendants in mock hijacking episodes.

There are more plastic flamingos in the United States than real ones.

A Brussels Airlines flight to Vienna was aborted because the pilot was attacked in the cockpit. The attacker was a passenger's cat, who got out of its travel bag.

72% of Americans sign their pets' names on greeting cards they send out.

As part of a charity event, 500 cats were spayed and neutered in the cafeteria of an elementary school. School was cancelled for days and $10,000 was spent on cleaning and sterilizing the room.
More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

La Paz, Bolivia has an average annual temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit. However, it has never recorded a zero-degree temperature. Same for Stanley, Falkland Islands and Punta Arenas, Chile.

1 pound of lemons contains more sugar than 1 pound of strawberries.

Friday, 19 April 2013

Funny Quotes – Page 13

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

Under my gruff exterior lies an even gruffer interior.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I like my men like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Doctor Doctor jokes - page 6

Doctor doctor an alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back
if you do that, he'll go downhill fast

Doctor doctor I've swallowed a fish bone.
are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas
you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises...

Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes
have you seen a doctor already?
no, just spots

Doctor doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy
how long have you been getting these disney spells?

Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth
you need a psychiatrist not a doctor
I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..

Doctor doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom
How's that?
Oh, don't you start...

Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia
Just go home and try to forget about it...

Doctor, Doctor - they are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...
Necks please...

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Are You a Child of the 80s? – Page 2

You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.

Poltergeist freaked you out.

You actually thought Dirty Dancing was a REALLY good movie.

You owned a banana clip.

Girls: You owned a pair of Pixie Boots, generally worn with leg warmers!

You remember Nena's hairy armpits

You could breakdance, or wished you could.

You know what Wham Bars, Spangles, Pacers and Banjos are.

You had big hair and you knew how to use it.

You remember watching a house inhabited by a jester, a pantomime horse, and a woman who sneezed, and thinking that this was perfectly normal.

You remember when the biggest mystery in the world was who shot J.R.

You know where to go if you wanna go where everybody knows your name.

You wanted to be either Nancy Drew or the Hardy Boys.

You saw Ghostbusters 7 times.

You watched "Fraggle Rock ".

You watched Carry On films and thought they were really rude.

You own any cassettes.

You remember David Hasselhoff when he wore clothes and talked to his car.

You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles " on the big screen... and still know the turtles names.

Partying like its 1999 seemed SO far away.

You've ever held a chicken in the air, or stuck a deckchair up your nose.

You learned to swim after seeing the advert with Rolf Harris ... or the bloke (with the fairy godmother) who couldn't keep his girlfriend.

You wanted a Morph.

You remember what skin jeans were (and why everyone shouldn't have worn a pair!)

You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon, wearing silver suits and driving cars that flew... because that's what Raymond Baxter and Judith Hann said would happen!

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Silly Jokes – Page 6

Is this a second hand shop?
Yes Sir Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
By flood lighting!

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered!

What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst aid kit!

Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond!

What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with a cold!

What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object!

Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
So he could loaf around!

I want a hair cut please. Certainly, which one!

Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face?
No, I look in a towel!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!

It's time for your violin lesson.
Oh, Fiddle!

How old is your granddad?
I don't know but we've had him a long time!

What pet makes the loudest noise?
A trum-pet!

What is a tornado?
Mother nature doing the twist!

A noise woke me up this morning.
What was that?
The crack of dawn!

It's gone forever - forever I tell you!
What has?

Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?
A jelly copter!

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

Monday, 15 April 2013

Short Jokes – Page 2

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?! They’re making headlines!

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba-dum Tish!

There were two peanuts walking down a dark alley, one was assaulted.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun… A roamin’ Catholic.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt!

Why did the orange stop? Because, it ran outta juice.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!

Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone? He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

Why did the stop light turn red??? You would too if you had to change in the middle if the street!

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer, the bartender says sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.

What do you do with a dead chemist …. You Barium.

What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? – Lipstick!

A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables…the bartender says, buddy, I’ll serve you as long as you don’t start anything.

Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease?

Scary stuff, right?” To which to other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

How does Jesus make tea???? Hebrews it.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!

What did the farmer say when he couldn’t find his tractor? “Where’s my Tractor?!”

Have you heard about the duck that was arrested for dealing? He was selling “quack”.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

How do you catch a unique rabbit? You ‘neek’ up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The ‘tame’ way.