Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at
home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am
right.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to
be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never
happen.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall
off.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a
second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever
they go.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and
doesn't die.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for
hours.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my
ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice
of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball
bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone
down so they can't get away.
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