Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition
that's troublesome.
Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either
selling something or not very bright.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish
today's tasks.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely
isn't for you.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.
When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.
The moment the door opened I knew an ass-kicking was
inevitable. Whether I'd be giving it or receiving it was still a bit of a
mystery.
It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only
want one thing: We also want food.
If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d
be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl
who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.
If you can't do anything about it, laugh like hell.
Now it was just the three of us: the leader, the warrior,
and the kid about to wet his pants. Guess who I was.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch
a child of five.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny
particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
have been drinking.
I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial.
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands,
appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.
It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to
let you out of your cage.
I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on
the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them
wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.
It’s scary to be a woman on a blind date. For all she
knows the man she is meeting up with could be a rapist, a murderer, or, God
forbid, a politician.
I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I
guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.
Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m
also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.
I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell
teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead
prostitutes.
If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up
to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens
are half price.
Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is
not only dishonest, but highly profitable.
If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in
love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in
the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.
With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years,
it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however,
is that he somehow managed to get his own cell.
In high school I barely made the rodeo team. But I wasn’t
good enough to start, so I just rode the bench.
Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.
I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.
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