Thursday, 31 October 2013

Halloween - trick the trickers

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

19. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

20. Dress up as Lord Voldemort (the very evil person from "Harry Potter") and insist that the Trick or Treaters be killed. Point a stick at them and shout, "Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Diiiiie, you stupid Muggles!"

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

How to survive in a horror movie

Firstly, never drink or do drugs and stay a virgin.

Never say that you'll be right back because you won't be.

Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

When you're searching a house because you think there's something dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!

If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

Big breasts and blonde hair are a death-wish.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

Always check the back seat of your car.

If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.

If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.

Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where the event took place. Most especially on even century anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow descended from one of the original participants.

If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back to normal, kill them because they are not normal!

Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up. They will eventually get you killed.

Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom and often in a horribly gory way.

Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.

Nothing is ever over if it is still night-time.

Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They usually know more than you do.

Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.

Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.

Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

Do not take *anything* from the dead.

Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle or any small town in Maine.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions.

Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Remember: Showing Skin=Death.

Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school.

Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie.

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

If you're annoying person that no-body likes and in a crap cheapo horror movie, please make a documentary that requires you to hike through the woods while looking for a witch that leaves stick figures hanging in trees, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Never say "Who's there?" Its a death wish.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back in the sequel and kick ass, no explanation needed.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Some of life's unanswered questions - Page 3

Why do they call it your "bottom", when it's really in the middle of your body?

If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?

Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?

If you decide that you're indecisive, which one are you?

If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?

If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?

How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

Do the different "M&M's"® colors taste different?

Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

Why do donuts have holes?

Why can't you eat pancakes for dinner?

Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?

what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

What does OK actually mean?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

Why do old men have hair in their ears?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Monday, 28 October 2013

Keep yourself sane?

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8 . Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

Sunday, 27 October 2013

Essay Errors

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his playsHe wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical ompositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie is covered the radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Crazy facts

All porcupines float in water.

Armadillos are the only animals besides humans that can get leprosy.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to swallow.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the 7th floor of a building, it has about 30% less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 20th floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Norvelle Rogers is the real name of 'Shaggy' in Scooby Doo.

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

Cat's urine glows under UV light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

If a statue in a park is of a person on a horse that has both front legs in the air, then the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

In "Casablanca", Humphrey Bogart never said, "Play it again, Sam".

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

Starfishes have no brains.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

All porcupines float in water.

Friday, 25 October 2013

The mental health hotline

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Caught sleeping at work

1. "It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

2. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

3. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

4. "I was working smarter, not harder."

5. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."

6. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

8. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss) made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

13. "The coffee machine is broke...."

14. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

15. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

16. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

17. "I was cross-training for telecommuting."

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lenses without using my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "Hello boss I thought you were gone for the day."

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

When Chuck Norris does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

The Sherman tank was originally called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII single handedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris’ favorite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Parental Dictionary

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wash their chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

Monday, 21 October 2013

Aircraft Comms

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadelupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked".
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing llike yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Sunday, 20 October 2013

The Dogs Rules

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tastie, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Do you drink too much coffee - Page 1

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You lick your coffee-pot clean.

You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

You're the employee of the month at the local coffee-house and you don't even work there.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.

You introduce your spouse as your "Coffee mate."

You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hook-up.