The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.I said,"Thyroid problem?"
I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store:"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
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